Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
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- Type：Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
- Create Date：2021-07-02 19:30:58
- Update Date：2025-09-06
- Status：finish
- Author：Bill Eddy
- ISBN：B08GFFJR69
- Environment：PC/Android/iPhone/iPad/Kindle
Reviews
C A
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BPD and NPD patterns of behavior include rapid mood swings， sudden anger， impulsive behavior， potential violence， and a great fear of being abandoned or losing an inflated self-image。 The person can be extremely charming， exciting， and persuasive but also exceedingly self-absorbed， arrogant， disdainful， and lacking in empathy。People with BPD typically feel unworthy and empty， lack a sense of self， and constantly fear real or imagined abandonment。They have some or all of these characteristics:• S BPD and NPD patterns of behavior include rapid mood swings， sudden anger， impulsive behavior， potential violence， and a great fear of being abandoned or losing an inflated self-image。 The person can be extremely charming， exciting， and persuasive but also exceedingly self-absorbed， arrogant， disdainful， and lacking in empathy。People with BPD typically feel unworthy and empty， lack a sense of self， and constantly fear real or imagined abandonment。They have some or all of these characteristics:• Sudden and intense anger• Wide， rapid mood swings• Impulsive behavior， often regretted but sometimes defended as justified• Substance abuse， eating disorders， or other potentially self-harming behavior• Potentially violent actions， with a buildup of tension， an explosion of rage， and then remorse。 Impaired， black-and-white thinking， called “splitting。” People with BPD put their partners on pedestals at the beginning of the relationship and then push them off when their partners are unable to meet all their demands。 Splitting is a major contributor to high-conflict divorce• Great fear of abandonment， which nearly always comes into play during a divorce—even if they initiate the divorce。 Ironically， the combination of intense clinging and intense anger tends to push people awayPeople with BPD may also:• Purposely or unconsciously selectively use sensitive information （such as finances， pregnancy， illness， or serious problems） to sway others to their viewpointSeek revenge—for example， by destroying important personal possessions or spreading rumors• Seek vindication—for example， by demanding loyalty and endless reassurance， and filing lawsuitsThey usually deny responsibility for any of the previously noted behaviors。Narcissistic Personality DisorderPeople with this specific PD often have some or all of these characteristics:• Are self-absorbed and indifferent to the needs of others• Believe they are superior to others• Are very charming， exciting， and persuasive• Lack empathy for others （although they may mouth the customary words）• Are highly sensitive to criticism or perceived insults• Fear being seen as inferior or helpless• Have a sense of entitlement， or the feeling that they’re owed special treatment for no apparent reason• Are demanding of attention and admiration• Are demeaning and insulting to people closest to them， sometimes in public• Regularly complain about being a victim and being taken advantage ofThey usually deny responsibility for any of the preceding behaviors。Cognitive DistortionsCognitive distortions are automatic negative thoughts that don’t fit the present reality。 They just pop into our minds， usually from past experiences。 Mental health professionals have identified several cognitive distortions， including the following （with an example of each in italics）:• All-or-nothing thinking: You’re perfect one day， an evil monster the next。• Jumping to conclusions: Since you’re evil， you must have done evil acts。• Emotional reasoning: If the situation feels hopeless， then it must be hopeless。• Exaggerated fears: I know you’re out to get me。• Projection: I see my own faults in others， but not at all in myself。Most people reflect on their own thoughts: Is this true？ Am I overreacting？ I should check this out。 But people with PDs don’t seem to have the ability to reflect on their own thoughts or behavior。 Like someone who is drunk， their thinking is continually “under the influence” of their cognitive distortions。 They can send， but not receive， new information。 Because they are unaware of their cognitive distortions， these distortions can underlie serious misbehavior， including physical abuse， emotional abuse， and even legal abuse （using the legal system to attack a target and to promote false or unnecessary litigation）。Information that does not fit the distortion is rigidly unconsciously blocked as too threatening and confusing。 Instead， people with PDs defend their distortions in an effort to protect themselves。 Blamers repeatedly react to “false alarms” caused by all-or-nothing thinking， jumping to conclusions， and so forth。 They truly believe that they are in danger， and they feel powerless and out of control inside。 。。。more
Supernova
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Amazing book on divorcing a borderline or narcissist。 We've recently had this dance play out between two famous celebrities， Brad Pitt and his borderline disordered ex-wife， Angelina Jolie。 Well， it didn't end well for her。 Borderlines （"Vulnerable narcissists"） and narcissists （"Grandiose variety"） both behave in incredibly similar ways - parental alienation （parental alienators almost invariably have NPD or BPD， sometimes both）。 Both narcissists and borderlines are master manipulators， but the Amazing book on divorcing a borderline or narcissist。 We've recently had this dance play out between two famous celebrities， Brad Pitt and his borderline disordered ex-wife， Angelina Jolie。 Well， it didn't end well for her。 Borderlines （"Vulnerable narcissists"） and narcissists （"Grandiose variety"） both behave in incredibly similar ways - parental alienation （parental alienators almost invariably have NPD or BPD， sometimes both）。 Both narcissists and borderlines are master manipulators， but the two personalities will use different tactics。 Out of the two， the borderline is more dangerous because they are able to elicit sympathy， whereas the narcissist has more difficulty achieving this。 If you are trying to divorce someone with BPD this book covers it all。 Everything you need to know。 However it does not bolster my faith in our legal system。 。。。more
Jessica
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If you anticipate a high conflict divorceThis is the book for you。 It is a little scary and overwhelming。 But being prepared for what could possibly come， will help the real thing be less frightening。 Lots of good advice and concrete takeaways。
Andres
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A must read for those in a relationship with a person with Cluster B personality traits， such as borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder， or just enough traits from either of those categories， even if does not meet the full diagnostic criteria。 Unfortunately， all too often we don't realize we are a relationship with one until it is too late， or simply fail to heed the warning signs， which probably happens more so than the former。 A must read for those in a relationship with a person with Cluster B personality traits， such as borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder， or just enough traits from either of those categories， even if does not meet the full diagnostic criteria。 Unfortunately， all too often we don't realize we are a relationship with one until it is too late， or simply fail to heed the warning signs， which probably happens more so than the former。 。。。more
Jason Hoekstra
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Tremendously helpful book from a unique perspective that could only come from a dual trained LCSW and JD。 Going through a divorce is awful enough on it’s own， suffering through the other side with a personality disorder makes it a special type of hell。 This book was my life raft to not only understand why and predict how， but provided great support in what to do for myself and for the case。 If your ex is believed to have BPD or NPD， this book will help pave a way forward to make the best of the Tremendously helpful book from a unique perspective that could only come from a dual trained LCSW and JD。 Going through a divorce is awful enough on it’s own， suffering through the other side with a personality disorder makes it a special type of hell。 This book was my life raft to not only understand why and predict how， but provided great support in what to do for myself and for the case。 If your ex is believed to have BPD or NPD， this book will help pave a way forward to make the best of the case and save hardship for yourself in an already difficult process。 。。。more
Wendy
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It gave me a lot of insights into my ex and how i react to him。
Fiona
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Excellent resource for those divorcing or thinking about divorcing a high conflict， controlling person with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder。
Michael Sunset
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This book was very good at describing the behaviors to expect from a Narcissist， Borderline， or someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder or Antisocial traits in a divorce or custody case。 It gives great advice as to what type of lawyer to retain。 The importance of documentation as well as how to handle false accusations。 It goes into detail how to protect yourself and your kidsI highly recommend！
Elizabeth
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Clearly defines terms in an educated manner。
Piotr Reysner
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This is a phenomenal book。 I recommend it to anyone divorcing a narcissist。 As a lawyer， I can tell you that this is the most practical and accurate legal advice I've seen from any author who ventures into this arena。 And as a DV advocate， I can tell you that the practical advice is second to none。Learn this book and follow it to the letter。 It will help immensely。 But it does require you to control your instinct to fight， which truly makes things so much worse with a narcissist。 This is a phenomenal book。 I recommend it to anyone divorcing a narcissist。 As a lawyer， I can tell you that this is the most practical and accurate legal advice I've seen from any author who ventures into this arena。 And as a DV advocate， I can tell you that the practical advice is second to none。Learn this book and follow it to the letter。 It will help immensely。 But it does require you to control your instinct to fight， which truly makes things so much worse with a narcissist。 。。。more
Candace
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One of the best books on divorce with an npd person。 Wish I had read it earlier but still found valuable information to manage going forward; remaining neutral， at arm's length。 One of the best books on divorce with an npd person。 Wish I had read it earlier but still found valuable information to manage going forward; remaining neutral， at arm's length。 。。。more
Dorette Skinner
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I hope no one I know ever needs to read this。 But I find it super helpful in navigating these uncertain waters， keeping my side clean and managing my expectations。
DeAnna Knippling
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A book on how to handle a divorce with someone with a possible personality disorder。Recommended to me by my therapist。 I did NOT want to hear the information in this book， but who would？ As a CYA， pretty thorough， but I had to stop and read a different divorce book before I could finish this one， in order to get some perspective。 Wait。。。what do NORMAL divorces look like？ I also read Stop Walking On Eggshells， by one of the authors of this book， because I wanted to see how they suggested dealing A book on how to handle a divorce with someone with a possible personality disorder。Recommended to me by my therapist。 I did NOT want to hear the information in this book， but who would？ As a CYA， pretty thorough， but I had to stop and read a different divorce book before I could finish this one， in order to get some perspective。 Wait。。。what do NORMAL divorces look like？ I also read Stop Walking On Eggshells， by one of the authors of this book， because I wanted to see how they suggested dealing with a non-divorce situation。 This book definitely started with worst-case scenarios。 Rough。Recommended for those considering or going through such a divorce; hopefully things go better than this， and you end up with the perspective to apprciate your blessings。 。。。more
Liza
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Amazing book I’ve already recommended to others - filled with practical advice
Wafa Ouazeta
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introduction…………………………………………。p01Quick –start Guide……………………………。。p07Part01: Preparing for a difficult Divorce1。t Preparing yourself…………。p132。t Understanding borderline and Narcissistic personalities…p253。t Blamers and targets: its all your fault！。。。。。。。。p434。t Managing a Blamer with a assertive Approach…。。p695。t Preparing for a court battle with a blamer…。p89Part02: Succeeding in family court:6。t Today’s divorce court culture……。p1097。t Hiring a lawyer who understands……p 1378。t working with your la introduction…………………………………………。p01Quick –start Guide……………………………。。p07Part01: Preparing for a difficult Divorce1。t Preparing yourself…………。p132。t Understanding borderline and Narcissistic personalities…p253。t Blamers and targets: its all your fault！。。。。。。。。p434。t Managing a Blamer with a assertive Approach…。。p695。t Preparing for a court battle with a blamer…。p89Part02: Succeeding in family court:6。t Today’s divorce court culture……。p1097。t Hiring a lawyer who understands……p 1378。t working with your lawyer to handle predictable crisis…p1479。t Gathering evidence about your blamer’s private persona…p15510。t working with experts and evaluators………p16911。t what to expect from the blamer’s attorney…p19112。t what to expect at a hearing or trial with a blamer…。p203Part03: Succeeding Out of Court:13。t Considering alternatives to litigation with a blamer……p22514。t Managing the rocky post-divorce relationship……。p247Conclusion………………………………………………………。p271-tAppendix: Open letters to professionals， and family and friends…。p277Introduction: 01-07-tIn the meantime， people facing divorce or separation from partners with difficult personalities must educate themselves， obtain knowledgeable professional assistance， and be highly assertive in the court process understand that most legal professionals don’t know the information in this book， while many are familiar with high conflict divorce cases ， they are often caught by surprise because they don’t see the understanding patterns。-tSplitting focuses specifically on dealing with borderline and narcissistic personalities in divorce cases。-tthere is a wide range of possibilities when a divorce involves some one with borderline personality （BP） or narcissistic personality（NP）。Quick – start Guide:1。tdevelop an emergency plan your partner could assault or evict you at any time。2。tAs soon as possible after they occur， write down， accurate details of problems and events between you and your partner （and other） that could become issues in court。3。tCommunicate very carefully and respectfully with your partner because anything may be introduced into more so when you separate。Explain: the way you explain your part ner’s behavior to legal professionals is highly important。（succeeding in family court）。Patterns: from the start think about how you will explain your partner’s behavior patterns。（oh， she’s a border line or he’s a narcissist）， he’s narcissist， so you know why I need protection。-tSo you know what that means in terms of parenting。Handling issues out of court:-tAn assertive approach also includes making strategic decisions about managing your case out of court and in the future。Consider alter natives to litigation:-tThe majority of divorces are decided out of court by agreement of the parties。 It’s usually worthwhile to try method like:1。tNegotiation through attorneys。2。tMediation。3。tCollaboration divorce。4。tA parenting coordination。-tthese methods， which we’ll go into further in part 03， may save you significant time， money and trauma。Manage your post-divorce relationship:-tBorderline or narcissistic ex may still be in their lives even after a divorce。-tEach of these approaches will trigger more drama and trauma。 As with everything else about the assertive approach， rationally consider all your alternatives and develop an arm’s length relationship that can give you stability in your future。-tIn short， just remember the two acronyms: Keep calm。 It’s a simple overeating or giving up。 。。。more
Deborah
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Even though this book is written for those divorcing， this book is helpful for others to read for a better understanding of the challenges and difficulties that occur when dealing with someone diagnosed with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder。
Charlotte Chaney
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A must read for anyone divorcing a narcissist。
Gracewellworn
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Bill and Randi accurately advise what happens and how to move through the impossible。
Leslie
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Great advice for persons dealing with a difficult spouse who exhibits or is diagnosed with a personality disorder。 I read to hep me be prepared although I don't think my situation is this extreme and I hope not to have to go through many of the items discussed in the book， but I feel much more prepared for the legal process。 I would highly suggest for someone who does think their divorce will be highly complicated and involved。 Great advice for persons dealing with a difficult spouse who exhibits or is diagnosed with a personality disorder。 I read to hep me be prepared although I don't think my situation is this extreme and I hope not to have to go through many of the items discussed in the book， but I feel much more prepared for the legal process。 I would highly suggest for someone who does think their divorce will be highly complicated and involved。 。。。more
Aimee
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Audiobook。 Excellent guide to dealing with a contentious divorce。
Glenn Coltharp
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Great advice book for a horrible， dysfunctional relationship end。 This is a great resource for anyone going thru a divorce with an NBPDex。 The sooner you can read this book in the divorce process the better！！ You’ll be extremely happy you did as it’s so important to be proactive NOW！ It’s paramount to quickly learn the lessons of how to protect yourself from this book because false accusations， blame， smearing， and outlandish behaviors WILL come！ In the book I found most important these things: Great advice book for a horrible， dysfunctional relationship end。 This is a great resource for anyone going thru a divorce with an NBPDex。 The sooner you can read this book in the divorce process the better！！ You’ll be extremely happy you did as it’s so important to be proactive NOW！ It’s paramount to quickly learn the lessons of how to protect yourself from this book because false accusations， blame， smearing， and outlandish behaviors WILL come！ In the book I found most important these things: 1） Not To Do’s are just as important as To Do’s in this book 2） It’s important to be reminded of how to think logically during this process， especially because you’ve probably been dealing with someone illogical for so so long 3） Your reputation and character during this process will prove critical in your defense （don’t react）。 Personally， I highlighted much of this book and it helped me guard against my NBPDex’s false accusations and financial harming attempts WHILE working with a smart attorney who knew all to well about dealing with BPD ex’s。 Good lawyer + Good resource like this = best results！ 。。。more
Barb
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Very informativeVery helpful and informative book。 Presented situations that you can prepare yourself when or if they come up during your divorce。
CJ
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Validates that the court system is not set up to deal with NPD。 However， the attorney for the kids is usually a GAL and this part is very misleading。 Better to read for someone to prepare for divorce。 The truth is that it is far easier said than done， particularly when children are involved。
Edy
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A friend gave this book to me following his high conflict divorce from his mercurial， theatrics driven attorney wife。 This book is helping me see the forest through the trees and providing me clarity through these murky trails。 I highly recommend this book to anyone。
Leslie Jonsson
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Basic， down to earth ways to protect yourself during a divorce from a "high conflict" person （i。e。 a person who has a personality disorder）。 Great information， perfect for someone who does not have a background in psychology。 Basic， down to earth ways to protect yourself during a divorce from a "high conflict" person （i。e。 a person who has a personality disorder）。 Great information， perfect for someone who does not have a background in psychology。 。。。more
Lisa Butterworth
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I'm feeling split about this book。 I'm going to give it four stars because it is jammed full of useful information about how to handle a really sticky hard situations。 But it's really more like 3。0-3。5 stars， to be honest， because there is so much that isn't here。 this book basically lays out what you need to do， best case scenario to split from an abusive or controlling person。 But it doesn't provide any real-world emotional reality framework for how to accomplish being perfectly calm and contr I'm feeling split about this book。 I'm going to give it four stars because it is jammed full of useful information about how to handle a really sticky hard situations。 But it's really more like 3。0-3。5 stars， to be honest， because there is so much that isn't here。 this book basically lays out what you need to do， best case scenario to split from an abusive or controlling person。 But it doesn't provide any real-world emotional reality framework for how to accomplish being perfectly calm and controlled while suffering from PTSD， nor realistic ideas of what to do if you don't have a whole bunch of money to hire your own experts， or even a good lawyer。 There are a lot of unacknowledged assumptions rooted in privilege， this book assumes the the abused person will have a support network， the mental health， and the financial resources to fight back。 And no acknowledgement that this is just NOT the reality for a huge percentage of people trying to divorce an abusive or controlling person。 。。。more
Sasha Rossberg
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A must readI think it is the most helpful read I’ve had in the process。 It’s a bible of sorts！ For anyone。
Carol
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Thumbs up， one I will continue to recommend for my clients that are going through a high conflict divorce。 Easy to read， excellent explanations about behaviors to be expected， and effective advice in how to navigate the process。
Daryle Tibbs
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This book was given to me by a client。 The client felt this book was helpful to her in navigating her case with her husband， whom she believes to be suffering from borderline narcissistic personality disorder。Splitting is a term used to describe a defense mechanism universally seen in people with Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorder。I definitely have a love-hate relationship with this book。 Let me begin by being truthful with how long it took me to finish this book。 I got through the This book was given to me by a client。 The client felt this book was helpful to her in navigating her case with her husband， whom she believes to be suffering from borderline narcissistic personality disorder。Splitting is a term used to describe a defense mechanism universally seen in people with Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorder。I definitely have a love-hate relationship with this book。 Let me begin by being truthful with how long it took me to finish this book。 I got through the first half of the book pretty quickly and then I stalled for approximately six months （maybe longer） before finishing the book。 I was just having difficulty picking it up and getting through it towards the end。 The information was very helpful for a person going through a difficult divorce with someone they suspect as having personality disorders/defects。 The issue that I was having is that some of the legal-based information was inaccurate， and not in a， procedural differences between jurisdictions， kind of way。 Some of the basic information was inaccurate and misleading， in my opinion。The book attempts to address the different types of evaluators that can get involved in a divorce case。 One such evaluator it discusses is “an attorney for minor children。” Even this label is frustratingly inaccurate。 It leads the reader to believe that it is referring to an attorney representing the minor children。 What I think it is actually referring to is a guardian ad litem， which is an attorney that represents the best interests of the minor children。 There is a very distinct difference between representing a minor child， which requires you to advocate for the position your client wants you to advocate for， and representing the best interests of the minor children， which requires you to advocate for the position that you feel is in the child’s best interests， regardless of what the child wants。 If a parent wants the minor children to be represented by an attorney， the only way to accomplish this in a private custody case is to hire an attorney to do so。 A Guardian Ad Litem is appointed by the Court and the Court makes an order about who will be responsible for payment of the GAL’s fees， which are usually divided equally by the parties。 The entire section on this seems to confuse the two roles。 There are a few other sections that are ambiguous or misleading， which I feel might result in confusion on the part of the client。The book is not all bad though。 It provides some great suggestions for how to deal with a high-tension， highly litigious opposing party。 One of the best points made by the authors is the fact that highly aggressive attorneys often don’t win in the long run and that for negative advocate attorneys focus on their performance in court。 They put on a show for their client and as a result， their client thinks they did a great job。 This is something I have been telling my clients for years。 I might add that the reason I know they are only putting on a show for their client is because， often times， attorneys go into chambers with the judge and discuss the issues before any hearing occurs。 The judge often tells the attorneys their point of view on the issue after all arguments have been made。 The attorneys and parties go on record thereafter， but at that point， it is only a procedural formality。 The attorneys already know how the judge will rule before the formal hearing occurs。 Any arguments made are only for the sake of the record and for the sake of the clients。Another great resource and suggestion made is the open letter to family and friends in the back of the book。 The letter is provided as a “suggested script” of a letter that a person can send to their family and friends as they are going through the divorce process。 With some modifications， this letter could be used for almost any type of divorce。 In a high-tension and highly litigious divorce， a letter like this is a great tool。 One of the best pieces of information in the letter is to as your friends and family not to take sides in the divorce。 By way of example it states， “while siding with me may give me a temporary feeling of satisfaction， it is a form of all-or-nothing thinking that reinforces seeing one person as all bad and the other as all good。” So basically， you are using the letter to ask your friends and family not to talk smack about your soon to be ex because that leads to deeper feelings of resentment and vindictiveness。 This is a great idea because those feelings usually already exist in abundance and do not need to be reinforced。Overall， I give this book 3 stars。 。。。more
Busy
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